My Imaginary Friend... Never Showed Up?

I did not have an imaginary friend growing up. This is a bit shocking if you consider I'm an aspiring fiction writer and when you know my backstory.

Growing up, I lived in an 'older' neighborhood with no kids in walking distance, plus I was homeschooled. Not that I minded making friends with grown-ups, but there's only so much sitting and listening a young child can manage at once. There just wasn't any one my age to play with me. (I later gained a little sister at age two, and a baby brother at age five. However, siblings aren't exactly playmates.)

Also, through no fault of my parents, I had a heaping helping of stress and emotional upheaval. Years 2-6 were Dad's 'Chemo-Years.' While Dad survived, the struggle and ripple effect on the household's social, emotional, and finical status was something a young mind could not just 'roll with.' I had lost that feeling of safe and stability.

It would have been perfectly natural for an invisible friend or pet to show up. I was lonely, overwhelmed, and highly, highly imaginative. Instead, autism, the 90's boom of Disney VHS, and a dress-up bin opened a different option – I call them Personas.

Like many autistic children, I had a noticeable period of monkey-see monkey-do and speaking in T.V., quotes. What most people don't realized, I wasn't simply 'playing.' Constantly testing dialogue and behavior helped me create a 'manual' for being understood. (Yes, there were cringe-worthy mistakes made.)

Also, what kid doesn't daydream of being the hero or princess? When you can quote the entire movie, watching the film quickly becomes acting alongside with it. A dress-up box of props and old hats let me fence with Peter Pan, whistle alongside Snow White, and steal the golden arrow with Robin Hood.

Also, it was natural for an overwhelmed child to borrow bit and pieces of her favorite heroes. Peter Pan could sass mean adults, Snow White could do housework without whining, and Robin Hood looked out for others. Full costumes were scaled back into a wooden dagger, a princess bangle... or an old felt hat.

I think the imaginary friend never came because I didn't want a make-believe person to help me cope. I just pretended to be someone who could cope. These Personas grew, changed purpose, or were stored for later. It depended on what I was facing (and what my current favorite shows were). By the time I was a preteen, I'd long stopped talking in quotes and carrying props. I'd just tailor the 'theme' of my behavior as best I could.

Personas might have just become an quirky coping tool, if I hadn't started creative writing in junior high. 

One day the doodle of a chess piece turned into a tower. For some reason, I felt the tower needed a dragon on the roof - because everything is better with dragons. Later, I wondered, “What kind of person would live inside that tower?” The doodle became a short story which became two, then three, then a whole world by the time I hit college.

I'd had years of practice designing other mannerisms and speak patterns. The main characters Leon and Celebramar quickly developed strong voices and a new set of Personas. I found my inner-wizard and inner-dragon through writing. No, I am certainty not a enchanted-item repair specialist or a carnivorous reptile. However, I know their reactions and mannerisms as well as my own.

I know Leon loves that little 'aha,' moment you put the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle together. I know he thinks the pomp and gaudiness of 'court magicians' miss the point of learning magic in the first place. I know Celebramar likes trying cooked foods, even vegetables. I know he views treasure hunters like antique dealers who try to steal that quilt your grandmother made and auction it for money.

Stepping into a fictional viewpoint feels no different that pulling a costume of the dress-up box. Sometimes, it seems like I'm writing a family newsletter instead of make-believe short stories. Both Leon and Celebramar feel real to me.

Now, when I say 'real,' I don't mean living and breathing real. They don't talk to me or typically have opinions on my daily life. Occasionally, I feel dragon-ish but I seldom find myself thinking “What would Celebramar do?”

My mind is an interesting place. It's full of random facts, memories, daydreams, and more Personas that I can list; however, there's no question that it's all me in here. I don't think there's any room left for an imaginary friend.